Practice, Practice, Practice

My new spiritual practice is being put to the test.

I was getting pretty smug about how easy it's been to "stay in the present " or "be in the moment" or "live in the Now" as Eckhart Tolle says, but I was deluding myself. These days I come into contact with very few people on a daily basis, sometimes not even my hostess (in whose back yard I am parked), so of course life is easier, more enjoyable for me. In the past it's been the people in my life who made life hard, whom I perceived as the greatest obstacles to getting what I wanted. Perhaps it's been the same for you. Now, I'm on permanent vacation, enjoying beautiful fall days and communing with birds and chipmunks. No one demands that I come to a job (an obstacle to doing things I like), criticizes my work (an obstacle to my having high self-esteem), makes me wait for them beyond our appointed time (wasting my precious time that I could use doing something I like)...you get the idea.

The one person, however, who has been a constant in my life for the past 31 years and will be until the day I die, one of my greatest "obstacles," is my daughter, my only child. You remember, of course, that she is getting married in five days.

Well, something happened (it's not important what it was), and I have admitted to myself that she has a right to be upset with me. However, since I'm trying hard to stay in the present and not let my ego put me into defensive mode or even apologizing mode (so that I can feel superior for apologizing: you see how the ego as Eckhart decribes it can trap you?), I'm choosing to remain silent and just Be the Space for her issue--nothing else.

Fortunately, it is relatively easy to remain silent this time because the whole issue was presented to me by email from her two days ago. She chose that mode of communication rather than a face-to-face meeting or a phone conversation because, she said in the email, she was afraid she would cry through the whole thing. As a result of that choice, I have not had the opportunity to test my ability to remain present with her, and she has not had an opportunity to feel what that is like. Doesn't it take, if not eye contact, as least voice contact to Be Present? I thought of sending a reply email: "Okay." Or "Roger, wilco." But she didn't ask for a reply, either directly or by implication, so I didn't send one. Does my silence "speak volumes" and if so, what message has she received?

As you can tell, I have not "let go" of this yet. The night I got the email I struggled to focus on the present moment at least long enough to get to sleep. The past two days have been difficult, partly because I have not allowed myself to complain about it to anyone, which would have been one way I would have dealt with "problems with my daughter" in the past. Eckhart teaches that complaining is denying what is, thereby creating suffering for myself. It's also setting myself up as the one who is right as usual, by implication even if I don't give voice to it, and therefore superior to my daughter. I am right; therefore, she is wrong. He says my choices are to change the situation or thing about which I am complaining or, if that is not possible, accept it and move on. Of course, we all know we can't change another person, ergo...

Needing to be right has been my predominant modus operandi all my life, the thing I was led to discover in myself at a workshop in 1995. Since that time I have continually tried to be aware of my need to be right, and have attended other workshops on the subject. Eckhart Tolle's teachings have been the most helpful of all, perhaps because he offers a way to "do something" rather than just try to "be aware of" my behavior. Or maybe I'm just ready to receive the message, having simplified my life to the point where I can let it in.

Well, here I am talking about "problems with my daughter" again. Am I trying to justify the behavior by making it "instructive" for you, Dear Reader? I don't think so (at least, I hope not). Eckhart says, awareness of the behavior is enlightenment, a little pinch of it, anyway. That is the "doing" that he offers, the thing I cling to, the thing I am trying to share with you. I am focusing on becoming aware of my thoughts more of the time, on becoming the objective observer. My thoughts control my emotions; my emotions control my behavior.

How many times today have I said or done something in order to protect my oh-so-fragile ego? I'm letting it all go. Feeling my breath, moving in, moving out...in...out...that's the Present. The only place I can be. No worries. No fears. Just alignment with the energy frequency of the Universe. Aah...